Catching up..

Well guys not too much has happened since my last entry.  We took some time to really think things over and make sure that trying again was something we all wanted to do.  Lacy and Paul could not be more supportive and on board which seemed to make the decision process a little easier.  The last couple of weeks it seemed as if one day we were on board and then the next we had doubts.  After some time and thinking we have decided to try one more time.  We will be using Dr. McKenzie @ Houston IVF and are excited but taking everything a day at a time.  We are beyond blessed to have a friend(who is also a cutter) that has pulled some strings for us and was able to get the office to work with us on the financials and she is working on getting our meds at a lower price.  I cannot thank her enough and everyone for the prayers and support through this whole process, it is just overwhelming.  I have had so many people tell Thomas and I, how strong we are-- to be honest I don't think it's that we're strong but I do think it is that our faith is so much bigger than our fears- it has to be or we wouldn't have made it through everything we have been through.  We are both optomistic that this will work this time around but the reality is very clear as well.  We will go on Marc 30th to meet with the fertility counselor, after which Paul and Lacy will meet with her and then all four of us--it is protocol at the new office.  Once we have met with her we will start taking the steps to get started again!!  I'm thinking somewhere in April or May- no rushing!   I have only had one "semi-breakdown" since we got the results.. I went shopping for my new niece(ETA June) and I lost it in the middle of the store.. it just really hit me that what if I never get to shop for my own child?  I knew at that moment that if we did not try again I would regret it for the rest of my life.  I am beyond blessed to live the life I do and if we are able to add a child to it, it would become that much better... but I do know that Thomas and I already have a great marriage and whether we have a child or not- that will not change.  Someone told me the other day if we have a child, I won't be able to ride and show like I do now... I'm thinking haven't you ever seen those little kangaroo pouch things-- don't think I won't be strapping that baby in there and trotting around!  When I sit and think about things sometimes I bum myself out- like I'm never going to feel the baby kick or move around and don't you know everytime I turn around someone is pregnant.. but I also know that is not what it is all about.  There are many women who have given birth to a child and are far from a "mother".  I know if Thomas and I are blessed with a baby he will be the best daddy around and I will sure try to be the best mama.  I had my retina appoitment the other day and my eyes are stable and he was really pleased with the way they looked- praise the Lord... I also went to see my endocrinologist and I just keep telling myself he was going to clear me to carry a child-- well that didn't happen.  He told me there would be more than a 50% chance that I would loose my vision.. then what good would I be to a child.  Carrying this child will not make me his/her mama but creating him/her and raising, loving and teaching this baby sure will.  The more I learn about God the more everything makes sense.  Some people get mad and angry at God when things don't go their way- I used to be one of them, but I have learned that we're not living our life, we're living the life God has planned for us.  Not everything is going to be exactly how I picture it or how I feel it should be planned but there is a reason why he is God and why things happen the way they do.  Sit and think about some of the things that have happened- I guarantee you there will be an Ah Ha moment, like oh man that was God doing that.  Please keep saying prayers for our friends- one has started her journey through surrogacy and the other will be transferring in April.  Thank you again for being a part of this roller coaster ride.. :)

Update!

Wow, so much has happened since my last entry... there were so many times I thought about posting but time just flew by!  At my last entry we had just went in to visit with Dr. Allon and discuss what happened with our first cycle.  I have to admit I was so frustrated after our visit with him.  I felt he was so postive about everything but maybe he was just painting a pretty picture without being completely honest.  I spoke with numerous people who have gone through the IVF process and we decided to get a second opinon, and I am so glad we did.  Dr. Allon was very pushy for us to try again because he felt the first cycle was just a "bad cycle" and that it would work the second go round.  One main problem is because we did not have any frozen embryos we would have to start everything over again, they were willing to work with us on financials according to Dr. Allon.  A few days after our meeting I received an email that they would start over for half of the original cost.. which is not what I had in mind as far as working with us.  Hind sight is 20/20 and looking back we probably should have gone to another doctor or at least had a second opinon before starting but unfortunatly there is no going back only moving forward...  Dr. Allon had recommended a cleanse for me to do- talk about yuck!  I did it for about 10 days and finally starting thinking to myself, honestly how much is a cleanse going to help us?  People drink, smoke and do drugs all the time and have no problem getting pregnant.. so you're telling me some nasty shake is going to make it work, I don't think so.  We eat healthy, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs.. My "drug" is my diet dr. pepper and those who know me will tell you, just don't take that away, haha!  After we spoke with Lacy and family we decided to try another office to see what their opinion was on what could have gone wrong.  We chose to go with Dr. Laurie McKenzie @ Houston IVF- this was one of the office my ob/gyn had given us a card for also, but they are a bigger office and I was worried about having the one on one care- which mind you we didn't get that at Dr. Allon's anyways.  Houston IVF has one of the highest success rates you will find.. Now reality is just because of that doesn't mean it will work for us or even if we would have tried them first we would have had a different outcome but it sure gives me hope considering their success rate is double Dr. Allon's.  A friend of ours also has her office inside Houston IVF and she could not say enough good things.  Dr. McKenzie is extremely compassionate but above all else honest- which there is not enough money in the world to pay for honesty.  We had our consultation in her office- which I thought was so cool!  I could really tell she had studied our records because she knew just about every question I asked her and had so much good input on things she would change.  Good news is she doesn't see a problem with any of us-- She felt I stimmulated well, Thomas' sperm was good and saw no issues with Lacy.  SHe did however ask if I was miserable early on during the stimmulation medication- which I absolutely was, I told her I couldn't even button my jeans by day 3.  She definitely had some concerns with the protocol that they used to stimualte my ovaries.  Houston IVF never wants the estrogen over 5k before egg retrieval because with high estrogen levels it can damage the quality of the eggs-- well little did we know mine estrogen was 9997 two days BEFORE retrieval leading her to believe that my estrogen was over 10k at retrieval.  SHe also stated they would never transfer on day 4.. if the embryos weren't looking great they would transfer on day 3 but if they're looking good then we would do day 5.  She also felt there could have been an issue in the lab.. Houston IVF's lab is state of the art!  I wish I could turn back time and chose them first but we have to move forward if this is what we're going to do.  SHe said to do away with the cleanse and all the vitamins he had me on- all she has me on is vitamin D and COQ-10.. during stimmulation she also said absolutely no caffiene or ibuprofen.. We have decided to take some time to think things over to make sure this is what we want to endure again.  NO part of this is easy for anyone involved..  We are blessed to have such supportive friends and family and most of all Paul and Lacy.  I ask for all of your prayer warriors to say some extra prayers for a few friends who are on their IVF journies-- One recently received a negative result and will possibly be taking the surrgacy journey and another friend is waiting to do a frozen transfer.  Thank you to each and everyone of you for your prayers and support...  We are blessed to share this journey!