Catching up..

Well guys not too much has happened since my last entry.  We took some time to really think things over and make sure that trying again was something we all wanted to do.  Lacy and Paul could not be more supportive and on board which seemed to make the decision process a little easier.  The last couple of weeks it seemed as if one day we were on board and then the next we had doubts.  After some time and thinking we have decided to try one more time.  We will be using Dr. McKenzie @ Houston IVF and are excited but taking everything a day at a time.  We are beyond blessed to have a friend(who is also a cutter) that has pulled some strings for us and was able to get the office to work with us on the financials and she is working on getting our meds at a lower price.  I cannot thank her enough and everyone for the prayers and support through this whole process, it is just overwhelming.  I have had so many people tell Thomas and I, how strong we are-- to be honest I don't think it's that we're strong but I do think it is that our faith is so much bigger than our fears- it has to be or we wouldn't have made it through everything we have been through.  We are both optomistic that this will work this time around but the reality is very clear as well.  We will go on Marc 30th to meet with the fertility counselor, after which Paul and Lacy will meet with her and then all four of us--it is protocol at the new office.  Once we have met with her we will start taking the steps to get started again!!  I'm thinking somewhere in April or May- no rushing!   I have only had one "semi-breakdown" since we got the results.. I went shopping for my new niece(ETA June) and I lost it in the middle of the store.. it just really hit me that what if I never get to shop for my own child?  I knew at that moment that if we did not try again I would regret it for the rest of my life.  I am beyond blessed to live the life I do and if we are able to add a child to it, it would become that much better... but I do know that Thomas and I already have a great marriage and whether we have a child or not- that will not change.  Someone told me the other day if we have a child, I won't be able to ride and show like I do now... I'm thinking haven't you ever seen those little kangaroo pouch things-- don't think I won't be strapping that baby in there and trotting around!  When I sit and think about things sometimes I bum myself out- like I'm never going to feel the baby kick or move around and don't you know everytime I turn around someone is pregnant.. but I also know that is not what it is all about.  There are many women who have given birth to a child and are far from a "mother".  I know if Thomas and I are blessed with a baby he will be the best daddy around and I will sure try to be the best mama.  I had my retina appoitment the other day and my eyes are stable and he was really pleased with the way they looked- praise the Lord... I also went to see my endocrinologist and I just keep telling myself he was going to clear me to carry a child-- well that didn't happen.  He told me there would be more than a 50% chance that I would loose my vision.. then what good would I be to a child.  Carrying this child will not make me his/her mama but creating him/her and raising, loving and teaching this baby sure will.  The more I learn about God the more everything makes sense.  Some people get mad and angry at God when things don't go their way- I used to be one of them, but I have learned that we're not living our life, we're living the life God has planned for us.  Not everything is going to be exactly how I picture it or how I feel it should be planned but there is a reason why he is God and why things happen the way they do.  Sit and think about some of the things that have happened- I guarantee you there will be an Ah Ha moment, like oh man that was God doing that.  Please keep saying prayers for our friends- one has started her journey through surrogacy and the other will be transferring in April.  Thank you again for being a part of this roller coaster ride.. :)